More Cher, Less Christina

That's my advice if anyone decides to make Burlesque II.  OK, bottom line up front, it's not as bad as you've read.  I know that's faint praise, but the reviews were scathing and the movie is a fun bit of froth.  Sure, it's collection of cliches that were getting moldy when talkies were invented and sure, it borrows heavily from Chicago and Cabaret (with Alan Cumming in a glorified cameo just in case you don't get it), but it's Cher!  And Glitter!  And Sequins!  There were so many gays of a certain age in the theater that it was like a field trip from the Rainbow Acres rest home. 

The film opens in a fake small town in "Iowa" where we meet Ali (Christina Aguilera), the impossibly coiffed and perfectly made-up waitress at a dive bar.  The owner stiffs her so she grabs some cash from the till, throws on some hooker heels, walks across the Tallahatchie Bridge to the bus station and buys a one-way ticket to LA.  Once there, she happens upon the Burlesque Lounge on the Sunset Strip where she sees Velma Kelly performing All That Jazz Kristen Bell lip syncing to something or other and Christina/Ali is enthralled.  With the stage, not Kristen.  She meets bartender Cam Gigandet, who's obviously the man she's meant for, who tells her if she wants to be on stage, she has to convince Tess (Cher).  Tess pays her no mind, so she picks up a cocktail tray and starts working as a waitress because she's got spunk!  Before you can say bump and grind, she's on-stage, belting out her growling-through-the-scales routine and she's an instant hit.

My next husband Stanley Tucci is on-hand to reprise his role from The Devil Wears Prada, only with a nicer boss.  He even hooks up with a sexy male DJ from the wedding of some tangential characters nobody cares about.  We see him in bed with his beautiful hairy chest!  Worth the price of admission.  Tucci and Cher have great chemistry and seem to be having a blast.  They need to be paired up for a romantic comedy and soon. 

Hunky Eric Dane plays what passes for a heavy.  He's a business man who wants to buy the Burlesque Lounge and turn it into (gasp) a high-rise!  In LA!  It'll block the view!  He offers Cher and her business partner/ex-husband (Peter Gallagher in one of the more pointless rolls) a cool million for the place, although why he doesn't just wait for the imminent foreclosure is beyond me.  Along the way, he tries to seduce Christina in his fabulous Hollywood Hills mansion.  She ultimately chooses Cam, of course (this is not exactly a spoiler alert) because the pretty girl always chooses the poor bartender over the rich business man.  I don't make the rules.  Besides, once you see what Cam can do with a box of Famous Amos, you'd choose him over Eric Dane, too.  The cookie company scored the greatest product placement in the history of product placement. 

A brunette Kristen Bell is miscast as Christina's rival for the spotlight.  She's no Crystal Connors, but she tries harder than Dane to be a bitch.  She gets drunk, mouths off to Cher and drives off in a huff and who can blame her?  One song from Christina, and Cher sent Kristen to the chorus.  Kristen is supposed to be boozy, and she always has a drink in her hand, yet she never seems tipsy in the slightest.  One can't worry about the details in Burlesque.

Cher is Tess.  Tess is Cher.  She's basically playing herself, but so what?  She's Cher and she looks fabulous.  She has two numbers, including one of her signature power ballads.  The rest of the musical numbers, and there are many, belong to Christina.  What a waste.

The movie also features small parts for James Brolin and Glee's Diana Agron who, in 30 seconds makes you wonder why Cam choose nicey-nice Christina over her. This illustrates the biggest problem with the movie.  Christina's Ali is just too nice.  There is a complete lack of dramatic tension.  You know from the first moment that Ali will find love and stardom.  You know that Cher will save the club from the dastardly Eric Dane and you know that Kristen Bell will clean herself up and happily return to the chorus. Christina's acting is perfectly serviceable, but her character has no flaws.  She's friendly, perky, pretty, (very) blonde, and talented.  Who wants to root for that?  Give me Nomi Malone or Neely O'Hara any day.

Bottom line, totally worth a matinee price to see Cher, Stanley Tucci's chest, and Cam Gigandet's Famous Amos.