SC Republicans are Freaks!

And I mean sexual freaks AND freak show freaks.  First, we had family values Governor Sanford hiking the Appalachian Trail all the way to some Argentinian tail.  Then, Mike Rogers of Blog Active, the guy who outed Larry Craig months before the bathroom incident, outed French Lieutenant Governor Andre' Bauer as a big ol' 'mo.  This was not exactly a shock after his interview with The State in which he brought up the homo rumors so he could deny them.  Not a brilliant move, especially since the interview took place in his beautifully-appointed downtown loft. 

But I digress.  Now comes news that leading GOP candidate for Governor, State Representative Nikki Haley allegedly had an affair.  She's a South Carolina Republican, so it's practically a job requirement.  Conservative SC blogger Will Folks has said that he and Haley did the dirty deed when he was single, but she was not.  He even has phone records showing lengthy, late night phone calls.  Frankly, I'm not sure I believe it.  Haley is pictured up top.  She's got kind of an Angie Harmon thing going, right?  Here's Folks:

Ugh!  How hard up do you have to be to touch that?  Would you risk your career for 30 seconds over Tokyo with that lummox? 

But wait, there's more!  The other day, Andre Bauer fired his "political consultant" Larry Marchant who, 2 hours later, alleged he also had an affair with Haley!  Here's Larry:

OK, this one looks doable in a total douchebag sort of way. 

Just to make sure the camera stays on him, media hag Andre challenged Nikki to take a lie detector test about her sex life and said he would take one himself.  Wow, Andre.  You really are totally lacking in self-awareness.  Here's the utterly brilliant Lt. Gov. explaining it all to Live Five:

There's still more!  State GOP Senator Jake Knotts called both President Obama and Nikki Haley "ragheads" in an internet radio interview.  Keeping it classy, Jake.  Haley's parents are Sikh immigrants from India.  Here's what Jake had to say:

"We've already got a raghead in the White House, we don't need another raghead in the governor's mansion."

I guess this is what passes for wit in SC GOP circles.  Here's Jake:

No, that's not Boss Hogg.  That would be an insult to the sophisticated nuance of The Dukes of Hazzard.   

Folks, when I was growing in The Palmetto State, I had no idea the conservative Republicans were getting all the action!  No wonder there are so many Republicans there!

h/t to LC NY Bureau Chief Doug.

Jenny Sanford: Gays Wrecked My Marriage!

South Carolina First Lady Jenny Sanford has discovered the real reason for the destruction of her solid, Christian marriage - teh gays:

“Of course I’m not saying that Mark is gay,” Sanford said, “but he may as well be. The moral decay in this country has claimed another victim and this time it was my family. Our marriage was perfect until these laws started passing around the country. Clearly the slow dissolution of the sanctity of marriage in America seeped into Mark’s psyche until he no longer felt compelled to abide by our vows.”

Of course, Rush Limbaugh was quick to jump on this new "proof" that marriage equality for gays destroys heterosexual marriage:

“America, I’ve been warning you for years that gay marriage would destroy the American family and look… there they are, a husband, wife, and four children — destroyed. When is this going to stop America? When will the liberals be satisfied? When all the marriages break up? This wasn’t Mark Sanford’s fault, this was Ted Kennedy’s fault. Sanford didn’t cheapen the value of marriage, he was victimized by the cheapening of marriage.”

In case you haven't figured it out yet, this entire thing is a joke from a terrific site that Lazy Circles NY Bureau Chief Doug turned me on to. It's called The diSCust. Think The Onion but focused on the Palmetto State. Talk about a fertile field for satire. Check it out.

Mark Sanford IS the Law in These Heah Parts

A South Carolina state trooper got a bit of a surprise when he pulled a Crown Vic for doing 85 on an interstate. He asked the driver why he was going so fast and told him there was no good reason for speeding. The driver simply said "tell him" and got back in the car. Sanford lowered the passenger side window, muttered "Mark Sanford" and they drove away. You can watch the video here. Sandford could have at least given the Trooper some tips on picking up hot Latinas.

It turns out the State Troopers don't just favor Sanford. Totally heterosexual French Lt. Gov. Andre' Bauer has gotten pulled twice, the first time for doing 101. Both times he got warnings. C'est la vie en Caroline du Sud!

Note to my readers: If you're driving your Miata with rainbow stickers down I-95 in Aiken County on your way to Gay Days at Disney World, don't think you're going to get the Bauer/Sanford treatment. Keep it under the limit.