Mid-Life Career Change: I'm Becoming a Scientist

via Boy Culture

Love and Other Drugzzzzzzzzzzz

Wes and I completed the Thanksgiving weekend movie trifecta with the new Jake Gyllenhaal/Anne Hathaway movie Love and Other Drugs.  Who would have thought that a movie that features Jake's perfect ass over and over would be boring?   Not to mention Anne's tits, if you're into that sort of thing.  "Too many tits" was Wes' assessment of this film.  There was so much nudity that it kind of got old. 

Jake plays a sexy, hot shot pharmaceutical sales rep in the 90s when the world was on the verge of Viagra.  He's assigned the Ohio River Valley as his territory although the cars seem to have Pennsylvania license plates.  Does Pittsburgh qualify as Ohio River Valley?  Whatever, Jake wants to get to the promised land of Chicago and to get there he has to convince Dr. Hank Azaria to switch from Prosac to Xanax.  Let's see a show of hands of who thinks he'll get offered Chicago in the 3rd act and turn it down for Anne?  See?  We haven't even met Anne yet and we already know what will happen.  Jake basically bribes Dr. Hank to let him shadow him while he sees patients.  All it takes is $1,000 for Dr. Hank to betray his patients' trust and commit a serious ethical violation, but this is never explored.  Jake follows Dr. Hank into an examination of Anne Hathaway which involves the first of many displays of her mammories.  Jake is instantly smitten with Anne, Anne smacks him over the head when she finds out he's a drug rep and not a doctor, they have coffee and fuck on the floor.  Anne tries to keep it just about sex because she has early onset Parkinson's.  Jake is fine with that since he doesn't yet appreciate the seriousness of her disease, blah, blah, blah, he falls in love.  They both try to resist it, Anne pushes Jake away, Jake goes through some soul searching, has a 3-way with two beautiful women, realizes that he really loves Anne, and they end up together because love is stronger than Parkinson's, or something.

Along the way, we meet Jake's brother/sidekick, a fat slob who got rich from some software thingy.  Why must all handsome leading men have fat slobs as best friends?  In the old days, Cary Grant's best friend was the fey and groomed Tony Randall, now it's Zach Galifanikis, or at least it would have been if Zach hadn't become a star in his own right first.  Fat slob is the new closeted gay.

Since Zach was unavailable, the role was played by some incredibly unattractive guy.  I could tell you who it was if I cared enough to look it up.  He was ugly and disgusting and had no redeeming qualities.  In one scene that was supposed to be funny, Jake catches fat brother whacking off to a video of Jake and Anne having sex.  Strange, sick and gross.  Not funny.  Nobody laughed. 

BTW, I'm being totally unfair to Zach Galifanikis.  I think he's funny and sexy in his own way.  He would have been a huge asset to this movie.   

The movie also wastes George Segal and Jill Clayburgh in her last roll.  They play Jake's parents in one pointless scene.  I guess the producers thought George and Jill would look really classy in the trailer.

The big problem with this movie is it can't decide what it is.  Is it a Jerry Maguireish tale of a sexy, ambitious, money-crazy guy who discovers what's important in life when he meets the right girl, with the added twist that the girl is sick?  Is is a hard-hitting drama about the tough choices we must make when a love one is diagnosed with an incurable disease (if so, I could tell them a thing or two)?  Is is Cinemax after dark?  The one thing that saves it from being a R-rated Lifetime disease-of-the-week movie is Anne Hathaway's strong performance.  There is never a false note with her.   She has an amazing ability to parade around naked, straddling Jake at the drop of a hat and still come off as a lady.  Sharon Stone should take notes.  I love Jake.  He's totally charming and his body is beyond words.  He and Anne are great together and should make a movie every year.  Just not this one. 

     

Cher is Here! Plus Jake!

Predictably, the Dallas Morning News hates Burlesque, or more accurately, the Kansas City Star hates is since the DMN has fired most of its film critics and cribs reviews from other papers.  Here's a quote:

"Every movie has a few cliches.  You've just got to finesse them.  In Burlesque, writer-director Steven Antin lays them on with a trowel..."

Whoo hoo!  Lay it on with a trowel, Cher!  What did he expect, subtlety?  Didn't he see the trailer?  I am so there. 

The other big opening today is Love and Other Drugs with Jake and Anne Hathaway.  The DMN hated it, too.  Apparently there's lots of sex and nudity featuring Jake.  Let me repeat that, Jake Naked.  A lot.  Let that sink in a moment.  Here's a quote from the review:

"These two (Jake and Anne) just seem like well-lit models in a soft-core Cinemax fantasy." 

Sounds good to me!

Gal Pals Make a Movie

I am so seeing this.

Jake Has a Beard Again

Just thought you'd want to know.

Source.

Jake Has a Beard

On his face.  Just in case you're interested in that sort of thing. 

"Behold, the Mighty Ostrich"

That is an actual line from The Prince of Persia, The Sands of Time.  It is uttered by Alfred Molina, a fine actor who I hope was paid a bloody fortune to appear in this dumb mess. 

Bottom line up front:  Jake Gyllenhaal's chest is covered by a breast plate for the entire movie.  There is not a single scene like this:

This shot was a tease; a lie to trick us into buying tickets.  If you think this means there's no reason to see this movie, you are right.  There is no reason to see this movie.  

Jake, sporting a pageboy and lots of Light Egyptian, plays the adopted son of the King of Persia, plucked from orphaned poverty because of his bravery.  He grows up and somehow hooks up with lovely Gemma Arterton, the feisty Princess Blah Blah of the Holy City of Whatever.  Together, they must protect the Daggah or the Gods will destroy mankind.  Something like that.  They must fight off Ben Kingsley, playing sort of an evil anti-Gandhi, who commands a troupe of Ninjas.  SRSLY.  There's also a noble African warrior, which I suppose makes slightly more sense than ninjas, but only slightly.  Oh yeah, and snakes.  Why did it have to be snakes?  

For some reason, Jake speaks like Michael Caine while everyone else sounds like they're auditioning for the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.  I suppose Jake's accent can be explained by his humble beginnings (how else would a Persian orphan speak?) but that would require much more thought than this movie deserves.

Spoiler alert:  Jake and Gemma save mankind.  Whew!  That was close! 

Compared to this, SATC 2 sparkles with all the wit and sophistication of The Women or His Girl Friday.  Stay away. 

Monday's Man: Jake Gyllenhaal

I went to see Rocket Man 2 over the weekend.  My review?  Not worth $10.  The best part of the show was the trailer for Jake Gyllenhaal's new movie, The Prince of Persia, The Sands of Time. 

The movie looks incredibly lame and totally predictable and I don't even like action movies that much, but I'll be there opening night. 

 

Here's California boy Jake at the beach, not quite as bulked up, but twice as adorable.

His Jakeness Does GQ

I may have to actually buy the latest issue of GQ now that they've put Jake on the cover.  The publicity blitz for The Prince of Persia is in full swing.  Inside the magazine, there's a super-cute photo shoot of Jake being goofy around New York. 

Check them all out here. 

Indiana Jake and the Tomb Raiders of the Caribbean

Here's trailer for the new Jake Gyllenhaal epic.  It looks like the lamest, most over-blown movie since he outran falling temperatures in The Day After Tomorrow, but it stars His Jakeness so you know I'll be there opening day.