Monday, May 31, 2010

"Behold, the Mighty Ostrich"

That is an actual line from The Prince of Persia, The Sands of Time.  It is uttered by Alfred Molina, a fine actor who I hope was paid a bloody fortune to appear in this dumb mess. 

Bottom line up front:  Jake Gyllenhaal's chest is covered by a breast plate for the entire movie.  There is not a single scene like this:

This shot was a tease; a lie to trick us into buying tickets.  If you think this means there's no reason to see this movie, you are right.  There is no reason to see this movie.  

Jake, sporting a pageboy and lots of Light Egyptian, plays the adopted son of the King of Persia, plucked from orphaned poverty because of his bravery.  He grows up and somehow hooks up with lovely Gemma Arterton, the feisty Princess Blah Blah of the Holy City of Whatever.  Together, they must protect the Daggah or the Gods will destroy mankind.  Something like that.  They must fight off Ben Kingsley, playing sort of an evil anti-Gandhi, who commands a troupe of Ninjas.  SRSLY.  There's also a noble African warrior, which I suppose makes slightly more sense than ninjas, but only slightly.  Oh yeah, and snakes.  Why did it have to be snakes?  

For some reason, Jake speaks like Michael Caine while everyone else sounds like they're auditioning for the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.  I suppose Jake's accent can be explained by his humble beginnings (how else would a Persian orphan speak?) but that would require much more thought than this movie deserves.

Spoiler alert:  Jake and Gemma save mankind.  Whew!  That was close! 

Compared to this, SATC 2 sparkles with all the wit and sophistication of The Women or His Girl Friday.  Stay away. 

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