King of the Crown

Lazy Circles New York Bureau Chief Doug turned me on to a TV gem that I can't believe I had missed: King of the Crown on TLC. This show is all about one Cyrus Frakes, pageant coach extraordinaire and proprietor of Crowns and Gowns of Columbia, SC, which provides "complete pageant preparation." Every week, Cyrus enlightens lovely young Carolina girls on the mysteries of pageants. How on earth did I not know about this show? Hell, this could have been me if I hadn't left South Carolina joined the Army. I was young and foolish. Anyhoo, last night, Cyrus was coaching Margaret Ann and Mae-Ann (love those double names) for the all-important South Carolina Peanut Princess pageant. It's part of the Pelion Peanut Festival, but you knew that already, I'm sure. Margaret Ann got 5th runner up. Whoever heard of a 5th runner up? Were they just screwing with her? I've got your 5th runner up right here, judges. Margaret Ann was too much of a lady for that, even if she did shock the confederacy by wearing a strapless dress to the interview! Horrors! Mae-Ann won and is the current reigning Peanut Princess. Next stop, Miss South Carolina! And then after that? Well, there's Tri-Delt at USC where she can meet a cute law or med student, then it's straight to the McMansion in Lexington where she can have a precious baby girl and start training her to be Miss South Carolina 2036! It's the Circle of Life, which, BTW, is a great pageant song.

I made up the last part.

I watched a mini-marathon of episodes and the most awesome reality show moment involved Kaleigh, a sexy blonde who I think was more interested in being a Maxim cover girl than Miss Columbia. She had just dropped 12 pounds for the swimsuit competition and Cyrus asked her mother how she was doing. "I'm doing fine. I always do better when Kaleigh looses weight because she does so much better at everything when she's thin." Way to give your daughter an eating disorder, Momma! Your happiness is dependent on Kaleigh's ability to rock a bikini.